The Complete Idiot’s Guide to ‘Difficult Girls’
‘Crazy girls’, ‘psycho girls’, and the occasional ‘evil fucking bitch’, are always getting the short end of the stick. These women are constantly made to seem ‘exotic’ and labeled in the media as a sort of thrill with extra frills in the bedroom. They are the girls that make your head spin for six months until you wake up with an empty bank account, no job and one sock. From here on out I will rephrase this type of woman as a ‘difficult girl’. I don’t in fact think said ‘difficult girls’ are actually insane as much as driven to a state of being emotionally unstable by society and boyfriends alike. People are warned to stay away from girls like this by the chorus of friends “Dude she is crazy!”, I have heard countless men say warning their friends to walk away from a new hot conquest. There are checklists to warn you about them and family and friends there to double check the list. Wouldn’t it be so simple if you knew how to play by the rules? Sure all girls will play the occasional mind game and a really aggressive one might even chuck an object at you , but they are no match for a person who knows how to deal.
1) Angry Texts, Phone Calls, Emails.
When girls get angry via communication all hell breaks loose. This is a forum for her to get her thoughts out loud and clear and CC anyone in your life that might need to know you are a rotten/scum/bag/dick/cheating bastard. The best way to take caution with this is have two emails, professional and not. Your bro’s who will no doubt get a kick out of reading how small your penis is. Keep your phone close to you at all times. This way she will never have access to all your ex’s, parents, siblings and coworkers numbers,when she is having an episode and/or needs to confirm that you are cheating on her. When she texts you “Don’t ever fucking talk to me again you fucking piece of shit loser, ” what she really means is “please call me right away and talk me through how much I hate you.”
2) Burning Bridges.
If she is telling you she is in love with someone else while rubbing your back at 3 am this is a sign she is not ready to embark in a relationship. She might be the hottest, smartest girl in the world but when she starts pushing you away its time to gradually move out before you see what else she is capable of.
3) Altered states.
When a ‘difficult girl’ is drunk she might get mean, sloppy and inexcusable. This is her at a peak when she can be dancing on table tops, looking for her leather jacket at the end of a dance sweat fueled night and then later fucking you in your car and not remembering. At the time you might be scared, horrified, or not into it, so just remember suggesting a quiet night in your apartment is what she would rather do than getting wasted at a bar. I mean she does that when you are not around.
4) Mood Swings.
One minute she is happy and all her plans are going to work out and the next she hates everyone with such passion you wonder why her black heart isn’t on her sleeve. Its called a mood swing. The best ammunition is to not say too much and reinforce her beauty and intelligence. Even if every angle you glance at her looks like a picture she would un-tag in facebook, tell her she is so cool and pretty until she is smiling and back to her delusions of grandeur. Its better than having to deal with some bitch that could be on her period. Mood swings happen to the best of us but to a crazy girl its almost like schizophrenia. She might turn into a completely different person. One minute she is ok the next she is freaking out and foaming at the mouth. When she calms down all she will remember was that she is being ‘bitchy’ and that you were really nice to her.
5) Don’t flirt with her friends.
To a difficult girl every friend is also a ‘stupid fucking bitch who wants her man’, when it comes to her boyfriends attention. With hot crazy girls come unbelievable bouts of baggage and some of that baggage comes in the form of her equally hot crazy girlfriends. These are the type of women who talk about one night stands in front of you, wear short skirts with no underwear, look you directly in the eye, and sometimes end up sleeping with your single or not so single friends. Your girlfriend may ask you who out of all of her friends would you sleep with. Yikes! How would you answer such a question?! The best approach is to not be semi-honest and say something like, “They are all attractive in their own way”. Or make exceptions like, “Maybe Maria if she didn’t have those saddlebags” , or “No one is as cool as you honey.” This way she always has the upper hand. If you are too honest this may cause a prominent problem later when you run into said hot friend in the bar and the whole night your ‘difficult girl’ is staring you down and asking you if you are going to make your move. In the mind of a difficult girl she is never enough. She will pester you to the point where she is being compared to a ‘Victoria’s Secret’ commercial while she is in sweat pants and wearing zit cream. “Am I prettier?” Might be a common question that comes up. Jules Pouter, a relationship therapist says, “Psycho girls are insecure, when they lash out its because they want to know that you love her and test your love for her…” So ignore her friends that comes around in really short shorts. Sure fantasizing about that stuff might help you shoot your load later but when you girlfriend is around make sure you have tunnel vision on her.
6) ….. If all else fails just tell her she is really pretty and talented.
Most of the times this will be all she needs to hear. Navigating through a fucked up world, where Jessica Simpson is a beauty ambassador, and front page news is not an almost 10 year-old war, but Brittany Spears shaving her head, can get to even the most stable person. Sometimes a little reinsurance from a supportive boyfriend is the best nightcap.