THE OTHER SIDE OF ME

October 31, 2020

5:04 pm

THE OTHER SIDE OF ME

When you google search phrases relating to the fashion style of this shoots concept, for example, “leather fetish fashion shoot” all you see are white models. The same goes for the porn industry as well.

My focus is to express that Black model, period, are capable, able, and are just as sexy to model in this fashion aside from white people––in ways where we are in control of our sexuality and likeness; not fetishized for fantasy.

So, I want to open it up to all genders/orientations, if that’s the case.

To make the concept whole, I’ve cast gay/straight men and women, and trans women.

“Orgy… but make it fashion,” if you will. – Serge Fils-Aimé

You never truly realize how vital communication is until it just isn’t there. This shoot showed us its importance in more ways than one. There’s an innate need for humans to engage, or communicate, with other humans. Because our phones are the most essential way to do so, of course we’d have an attachment to them. Imagine the anxiety we felt when we couldn’t get in contact with essential collaborators both days of the shoot, knowing most people, especially Americans, have this attachment. On day one, it was the owner of the most important prop for the set, the bed. On day two, it was the high profile model whose flight was already paid for.

Both situations were handled and the show went on but we definitely learned some valuable lessons – stay calm even when you want to punch a hole in the wall. It’ll all come together, somehow.

Most if not all of the models lost their virginities with this being their first shoot or the first time being a part of something so risky, so we cut them some slack. At least they looked good. This shoot created a space for the models to show off their bodies, feel sexy, and release that erotic energy. One might assume that the confidence level was on 10 for everyone, and for most, it was right up their alley, (literally right up Cortlandt Alley). There were a few, however, that were taken aback by the concept. They pulled through though. You can’t be timid wearing a g-string – that would just defeat its whole purpose. Even for Creative Director, Serge Fils-Aims, this was the start of a new chapter in fashion – a chapter full of jaw-dropping editorials.

It was the theme that drew most of us in, especially because erotica and fetishism are taboo in the African American community – and for good reason. The sexualization and objectification of black bodies through fetishism is very violent and we’re tired of the abuse. For most, this project was liberating and a kind of release to take back their sexualities from a world that has taken it without consent. “The theme speaks to a larger taboo in society, fetishes, which is something I definitely experience being a trans woman and a big girl. I would like to explore the beauty in that,” Gia admits.

Each of the models has a unique experience with fetishism. Some embrace it, while others challenge it. A few models admitted that they were actually into the BDSM culture – expressing that their fetishes were light bondage, role play, dirty talk, and even things more physical like getting choked. For a lot of them, it was the clothing that drew them in. I guess it’s not a surprise that a bunch of models would admit that they like fetishwear.

“I love bondage wear. I love fetish wear. It’s always been something I’ve been into since I was a kid before I was even old enough to wear this shit. It’s something about the aesthetic that I’ve always found appealing. I also feel like it’s a cool homage to indigenous shit. If you really look at tribal, African wear, this is a very dark interpretation of it. There’s a lot of similarities in the use of metals and spikes and shapes. Really manipulating the body and using that as a form of self-expression. All of that shit is inherently punk and rooted to the diaspora so that’s why I fuck with it.”

Dylan, a black, cis-gendered, “pretty” straight woman

Whatever the reason, to see these models of different shades and sizes, identities and preferences come together in this way is powerful – especially when these are the very things that create division. There is a long, abusive history between heterosexuals and the queer community and the proof is in the countless, innocent lives that are taken just because of the differences in sexual preferences and identities, #TransLivesMatter. Because of this rift, it has been toilsome for the two communities to coexist. While one side works to maintain the status quo, the other is working persistently to be seen in a world that is constantly trying to diminish their existence.

One of the overarching goals of this shoot was for people with different identities to come together and realize that we aren’t so different after all. We may have different experiences, but there are similarities, though our differences have the tendency to be more obvious. One of the biggest differences between the two types of sex is the tools at play. The prefix homo literally means the same, so people who participate in homosexual sex have the same sexual organs. It gets a little more complex when trans people are involved. Tamia, who identifies as a transwoman, explained that because cis-gendered females are born with vaginas and transwomen are born with penises, the sexual experiences are very different. I still have so many questions. I guess that’ll be a conversation for another day.

Though a few of the models believe that it’s in the feeling that the experiences are similar, there were also a few models who disagreed. Two models in particular spoke to a feeling of freedom. Because of how demonized and suppressed these feelings for people of the same sex can be, they feel a release of built-up tension – a tension that breeds passion. It’s liberating.

Our sexual experiences can also be different in the ways we approach sex. “Straight people have vanilla sex,” Serge says. If you don’t know what that means, don’t feel bad. I didn’t either. Apparently, it just means that it’s plain and boring. Many of the models believe people who identify with the queer spectrum are more likely to try new things in the bedroom – though some of them spoke to the fact that there are straight couples who explore. One thing’s for sure, I haven’t been to any straight events where people just have sex in public in front of a crowd without raising an eyebrow.

“I think the difference is that people on the queer spectrum are more open to doing more things in bed because we’re confident in getting pleased. It’s funny how the male g-spot is in the ass and most heterosexual men don’t even go near it. I feel sorry for them because they won’t ever experience a full pleasure. You don’t have to be gay to experience that. There are females out there that are comfortable in that.

– Zo, a bisexual black man

Zo believes that heterosexual men in particular tend to be more rigid when it comes to sex. There are lines they do not cross, one of which is anal play. This has been an ongoing conversation, especially after black male celebrities, in particular, who identify as heterosexual, have admitted to or have been exposed to enjoying anal play. It would make sense if men liked

their “salads tossed”, especially since hitting that g-spot can produce some of the most transcendental orgasms of their lives. I guess Zo was right. Queer men may be more confident in their sexualities.

Around the time of gangsta rap, the black community especially started opening up to the queer community but only one group was allowed to the party, the bisexual woman. It became cool for women to be bisexual because in the man’s mind, the woman’s bisexuality was for their consumption – translation, more women in the bedroom. Unfortunately, though women were allowed to explore their sexuality, men weren’t given that same freedom. I’m sure one of the reasons men aren’t open to anal play or admitting to it, is the homophobia that is still so prevalent in society. There is a literal fear of being considered homosexual. In a conversation with Zo and Nay, Nay, a cis-gendered straight female, admitted that if a man asked her to l “toss some salads” she would question his sexuality, mainly because it’s just not something straight men do. They don’t even want to go near hers. Zo thinks women like her are the reason

“down-low” men exist.

“I think there is more space for women to be bi-curious than men. Women have the space to be curious and explore, while a man who may be curious is less likely to act upon it.”

– Noble, a black heterosexual man

I believe that in all of our differences, there is common ground, but in order to find that common ground, we must connect in a more meaningful way. According to the models, one way they connect deeply with another is through sex. No, I’m not telling you to have sex with everyone you want to connect with. However, maybe we should talk about it a little more intently. It’s interesting that even being such a popular space, people find a hard time using conversations around sex to get to know each other better. I would argue that you can learn a lot about a person by finding out who they are sexual – which may be the reason people have a hard time with it. It reveals more about themselves than they’re willing to uncover. Sex is a universal language that communicates things we aren’t even aware of, that we may never verbally express. “Whether you’re gay or straight, you see someone you like and your body reacts,” Prince says. Maybe in these similar experiences, we can find common ground.

At it’s the most basic level, sex is very primitive – simply, the means to procreate. However, at its basic level, we are no different than any other animal on the planet. There is, however, an essential distinction between animals and humans, our erotic life – the socialization of sex. Ester Perel, the author of Mating in Captivity – Unlocking Erotic Intelligence, and who I call “the guru of erotic intelligence,” describes eroticism as an “expression of individual freedom and sovereignty… It’s a place you go in yourself to feel alive, vibrant. It’s transcendent.”¹ What better place to look than the very place where one may feel the freest.

“Sex goes beyond penetration. It’s about how you make me feel like a man.”

¹ Ester Perel on the difference between sexuality and eroticism – https://youtu.be/Gklr0YttP0U

– Saaid, a black, heterosexual man

We all have different experiences in our erotic lives, but when asked to describe sex in one word, the models spoke to some consistent themes. Imagination and fantasy. Intimacy and connection. Creation and expression. Necessity and life. Liberation. Experience. No matter how we describe it, we all have a relationship with sex – whether that relationship is healthy and fruitful or unhealthy and problematic. “It means too much but also means nothing at the same time,” Dylan says ingenuously.

When given a chance to express who they are sexual, a few expressed that they were pleasers/givers. Others expressed that they were dominant, while others are more submissive. “Who I am definitely defining who I am sexual. I am a transgender female so sex with me is like no other experience,” Tamia decrees. The majority, however, expressed that their identities in sex depended heavily on the energy of their partners. It wasn’t a surprise that more women expressed that they were submissive and men expressed more dominance.

“I’m a huge pleaser. If you want to be dominated, I’ll dominate. If you want to dominate me, I’ll submit to you.”

– Ominay, a black, bisexual woman

It was refreshing, contrastingly, to see that there were straight male models that broke the general mold of gender norms in society. One admitted that he gets turned on seeing women take control. Two other guys admitted that they were pleasers in the bedroom – that they actually cared about their partners’ needs over their own. This is important when putting into context the ‘orgasm gap’ between men and women. It is reported that 95 percent of heterosexual men usually or always orgasm during sex compared to 65 percent of heterosexual women, who were the least likely in a poll with diverse sexual identities.² This is mainly due to the fact that sexual intercourse isn’t pleasurable if the clitoris isn’t being stimulated. Stimulating the clitoris takes extra effort, so kudos to those guys for applying that extra effort to please their women.

What we like, our fetishes and our preferences, are huge aspects of who we are. Even in our erotic lives, you see them manifest. You can learn even more about yourself paying attention to what really turns you on. “[My] biggest fetish is dirty talk. You gotta be able to say something and talk to me and fuck my mind before I let you fuck my body, ” Brandon asserts. For some, it was physical features, like body type/shape or facial features that turned them on. Others talked more to personality types – people who are intelligent and “not ugly on the inside”. A very popular one was confidence or what Jalen would call “Big Dick Energy.”

² The ‘orgasm gap’: Why it exists and what women can do about it – https://www.nbcnews.com/better/lifestyle/orgasm-gap-why-it-exists-what-women-can-do-about-ncna9833 11

“Big Dick Energy and that’s with anybody, male or female. If you’re aggressive with what you want and you’re direct about it, I fuck with that. Even if I’m not necessarily attracted to you, I’d be open because you came correct. So that’s a turn on to me.”

– Jalen, a black free man

A good amount of the models admitted to spicing things up in the bedroom or participating in what I call laced sex – sex enhanced with other people, drugs, toys, concepts, and ideas. For some, their vices range from poppers to maybe alcohol and/or weed, to drugs that are a lot stronger like coke or k. For others, they enjoy the company of other people. “Pain turns me on. Control. Lack of control and energy. Not even touching, just the tension between two people when you’re looking into someone’s eyes without saying anything,” Jayla admits. A lot of them are into the BDSM culture so they’ve experimented with all types of toys, handcuffs, whips, outfits you name it. For those that haven’t, they admitted that this shoot definitely boosted their curiosity.

This conversation gets a lot more complicated when you learn that even in our identities, there can be contradictions. In an article by Ester Perel, she speaks on the mystery of eroticism which she reveals is the conflict between love and desire. She noticed that a common issue couples have is in relation to their erotic lives. The issue comes when who they are sexually doesn’t neatly align with who they are in every other moment.³ The models connected to this idea, though the manifestation of this issue is most notable outside of a romantic relationship.

“I have a very submissive identity in sex, however, I am not submissive in my everyday life. I’m very dominant….I’m a very respectable person so I need to be respected. I need someone I can trust so we can role play and go there and get disrespectful.”

– Gia, a black transgender woman

This world waits for no one, leaving no room to be submissive or passive, so it makes sense that some of the models expressed that they see a conflict in their separate identities. Most times, in order to win, you must be assertive and dominant. For some, it is the very fact that they are so dominant in the real world that the bedroom becomes a place where they can balance out those energies. It’s important to know who we are in sex, but also why we have sex in the first place.

Is it ever deeper than just sex? The models weighed in and for a lot of them, sex is about the experience. It’s a place to try new things and explore the body. For most of them, sex is about the connection – a chance to connect and become one with each other. Rita, a cis-gendered bisexual woman, names it “the most personal and raw connection you can have with someone.”

³ Perel, The Mystery of Eroticism –

https://www.psychotherapynetworker.org/magazine/article/990/the-mystery-of-eroticism

“Sex is like a magical thing. You [are] able to engage with someone else from a source (energy) you don’t usually frequent. Once those two energies align, you guys can make something beautiful. You may take on some shit that happened in their life. They may take on some shit.

New things manifest.”

– Gordo, a black, free man

In conversation with a few of the fellas, they thought it was important to differentiate between casual sex and making love or what Jalen called detached vs. attached sex. Everyone agrees that when it’s passionate and with someone you really want to connect with, it’s good. When it’s just casual, it can be hit or miss. Meaningless sex over time can be very draining and unfulfilling, but maybe not for Jayla. When physical touch is your love language, sex can be a way that you communicate and experience love.

“Sometimes you can have sex and not like it at all and sometimes you have sex and it’s your top three. So I never go into it with any intention of it being the best experience. I just go into it making sure it’s a mutually beneficial situation. As long as you’re benefiting me, I’ll do the same for you.”

– Brandon, a black, gay man

Sex can be one hell of a drug when used in the ways it’s intended. However, like many drugs, it can become addictive and often misused and abused. Let’s create a parallel to a very popular drug, weed. I know we all know a “weed head”, if you aren’t one yourself. If you know them, you may have noticed the progression of their weed consumption. It always starts off small until your tolerance level heightens. People tend to call weed a gateway drug because it is very likely that you might either just pack it heavier or move on to heavier drugs. Sex is similar in that way. The more you have, the higher your tolerance becomes, making it harder and harder to satisfy you – a consequence of having a lot of meaningless sex.

One thing I’ve gathered is that people don’t have sex just to have it. They have sex to feel something. It can be therapeutic for some, for others it’s just about their own sexual pleasure. But either way, when you decide to have sex, there’s a reason and it can get problematic – especially when it becomes an addiction, a means to cope. It’s important to consider the ramifications of connecting with large numbers of people. That’s a lot of energy to be connecting to, a lot of energy to give away. One model expressed that after the first time, it became addictive – “needing it everyday, every hour, every minute.” That’s not healthy. Sex was intended to be a pleasantry not a necessity.

You couldn’t have learned this all from just looking at the models. Each of them holds a unique story that informs their identities. However, an issue that happens often is the assumption of who someone is by how they look. As humans, we’re always looking for the shortcut, but you can’t shortcut true engagement. In order to understand the fullness of each other, we can’t assume that because someone looks a certain way or acts a certain way that that is all they have to offer – we need to go deeper.

“It’s so funny you brought this up. I don’t know if this matters but I’m a Leo. I’m from Texas. I’m black “af”. I kind of have a twang to me I guess. I’m dominant. I’m aggressive. I’m fiery. So in the bedroom, I’m dominant. So if you would ask, top or bottom, if it even matters, I would just pick one because whatever I’m doing I’m dominant. However, it’s confusing for people outside of the bedroom because I like clothes and high fashion. One day I can wear what someone would say is full woman’s clothing but I’m a whole nigga and I’m proud of that. So I’m that but in that and it’s fashion so fuck it. The next day I can wear what would be considered masculine. I can have on forces or suit jackets and some jeans and a tank top. It’s the same shit to me. It’s just a look for the day. It’s hard because whatever day you catch me on you might assume that that’s my entire identity. I may wake up the next day and say I want to wear a skirt for the day. So I think that’s where the conflict lies.

– Jalen, a black, free man

For a lot of us, the issue is in the way we see ourselves, though a lot of the models expressed their comfortability in their sexuality. Insecurities are human, but condemnation and shame are not yours to keep. It takes real conversations with yourself and an environment that is conducive to that growth to achieve true sexual freedom. It’s important that you understand who you are sexually and know why you’ve participated in certain sexual acts. You must also engage with people who accept you for who you are no matter your preferences or your past. As you learn yourself through experience, you’ll become more confident within yourself – confidence can make or break any sexual experience.

“I recently went on a boycott against down-low men who have sex with trans women who aren’t open to it. People of all different sexual experiences have had those random hookups. However, I feel like there’s an oppression that happens when you’re ashamed of them. That fetishism oftentimes leads to violence for a lot of Black trans women. So I don’t deal with down-low men because there’s nothing to be down-low about me. My resume is extensive. I’m a good catch physically and on paper. I’m not going to reduce myself to these experiences that don’t uplift my humanity as a visible experience, not only just for me but for us, even in a casual encounter.

The shame came from me engaging in relationships with people who were ashamed of me. You can’t get this pussy if you aren’t open about what you like because we’re literally dying at the hands of insecure men, particularly Black men. I’m not going to be a victim of someone’s insecurities. I’ve done too much for a weak ass nigga to be the cause of my demise because he can’t take the fact that my existence is so powerful. You want to peek at me and fuck me at night but not uplift my narrative in the day time. Enough is enough.”

– Gia, a black trangender woman

In light of the recent controversial chart-topping of WAP and the rise of acts like Sza, The City Girls, Summer Walker, Jhene Aiko, Megan Thee Stallion, to name a few who I believe have shifted female thought, I thought it was important to ask the models their thoughts. A few of the models see this song and these women as catalysts to real change in the world.

“I think they are doing exactly what they need to be doing – making sure their voices are being heard about the topics that need to be discussed. So if we just focus on what needs to be discussed and not just the obvious explicit lyrics, you can learn something from these women.”

– Brandon, a black, gay man

Let’s start here. A woman’s body is hers. No matter what she chooses to do with it, she has full autonomy. This society under patriarchy has tried to put limits on what women can and cannot do all while simultaneously objectifying and sexualizing them for man’s consumption. How can you find it to be okay for men to use women for their own gain, but women can’t do the same? Men have rapped about “wap”, what Cardi and Meg would translate as “wet ass pussy,” but only when a woman talks about it it’s controversial. Men have featured women in their videos barely clothed but when women do it it’s controversial. There’s clearly a double standard here and the controversy around these women exposes it.

“I love it. If you can rap about wet ass pussy, you’re making people more comfortable about sex in general. The more sexual content we have in a public view will make people more comfortable about talking about it in a public setting. Obviously, we’re not going to be sitting here talking to kids about wet ass pussy but as a society, around the world, sex is very suppressed. People aren’t able to be openly sexual people. It’s something that needs to be talked about considering there are so many unsafe sexual practices and people end up releasing that in a very negative way.”

– Rita, a black, bisexual woman

In the last few years, there has been a lot more awareness of sexual violence and sex trafficking – where women and children are the biggest victims. It is unfortunate how many people are suffering at the hands of men and women who engage in very negative sexual activity. In order to stop these practices, we need to not only have conversations around the awareness of these issues but also find solutions to the roots of these problems. It’s a lust issue. People have lost control over themselves and given themselves completely to their lustful desire. How can we speak to these issues if we can’t have public conversations about not only just the act of sex but the potential threats and opportunities that it can present?

“It’s good that we’re having these discussions on how to not only celebrate this sexuality but around how men can do the work to make sure this is still safe for us. There are some men that assume that a woman showing this much or celebrating this much is automatically for their consumption – that it means to consent, physical consensual sex at any point because you’re already showing it off. I understand that logic through patriarchy and from rape culture and it needs to go away…This next-generation needs to learn about consent and boundaries [especially] when all of their favorite rappers are getting outed for being predators or abusers or rapists every other day.”

Dylan, a black, cis-gendered, “pretty straight’ woman

Men have historically been taught that women are for their consumption. Some even justify it through a distorted interpretation of the Bible and other religious texts. Women have been the victims of sexual violence for so long all as a result of the idea that men are who they belong to. Men have even furthered the issue by putting the onus on women to dress more modestly, to be more chaste and quiet about their sexual desires. The culture has shifted and women are a lot more vocal about their sexuality. It is important that men continue to do the work that allows women to be as sexually liberated as they want to be without the fear of rape or any other sexual violence. Remember the two P’s, pleasure, and protect. They deserve it. “Even down to being able to make the vagina wet you have to be making the woman aroused. There takes a level of consent to even get to that point,” Dylan says. The way a woman dress does not communicate consent. No matter how much she talks about her sexuality, it doesn’t give you license to make an assumption that “anything goes.” The only thing that communicates consent, is verbal consent.

Though most of the models saw this as an opportunity, one model, in particular, saw it as a threat not only to ourselves but to the next generation.

“Sex has become glamourized [and that’s] not a bad thing I love that we have leading women

on this platform engaging us and being authentic about their stories, making it easier for other women to relate to them. I’m just concerned about the next generation and how they consume these stories No matter how hard we try to censor the devices we use, there’s no way we can

ensure that they will never consume these things.

– Gordo, a black, free man

Gordo touched on a lot of topics. His issue is not necessarily in the glamourization of sexuality because in a lot of ways that can be a good thing. The issue lies in the ways in which we present this to people of the later generations. We have no control over how they consume this information so we need to be responsible. Yes, these conversations about consent and rape culture are great if we’re actually having the conversation and not just talking about sex. Let’s be honest. When listening to a song like WAP, most people are consuming these lyrics at face value. They’re not thinking any deeper than what’s being said and oftentimes, the lyrics don’t have deep political messaging. If we’re going to use these songs as a means of education we need to do so intentionally. Let’s be clear in our wording. If not, let’s not pretend there’s more depth to the song than there really is.

Another issue he brought up was the lack of empathy and care we have for people. “Now you see women saying they don’t want you but will fuck you for some money. There’s just a loss of love and empathy,” Gordo says. In this new wave of music, women have been using their platforms to speak on the ways they exploit men for their own pleasure and gain. The exploitation of anyone is intrinsically bad but it’s interesting that we’re having this conversation now that it’s coming from a woman’s mouth. Two wrongs don’t make a right, however, men do have to answer for the centuries of abuse they’ve inflicted on women. Women are just returning

the favor. Do I think it’s right? No. However, if we’re going to have this conversation, we need to make sure we’re holding both sides accountable.

During the first shoot, I noticed the tendency for people with similar sexual identities to flock together, even though most of the models expressed that they didn’t have a problem connecting with people with different sexual orientations. Some even expressed how they didn’t understand why there would ever be a problem. “Everyone has sex. If you stop thinking about it in a derogatory, offensive way and think of it as just a natural act, you can relate to a lot more people and not feel so separated or divided,” Brandon says. We definitely have so much more work to do. One day, we’ll be able to come together comfortably in all of our differences. This shoot was just a start.

“It feels amazing to know what I’m capable of. This is just fuel to my imagination, fuel to my creativity, fuel to my drive and ambition,” Serge says. Not only is he fueling his own destiny but he is fueling the dreams and visions of anybody who sees his work. It’s crazy to think that in six days a 19-year-old was able to pull off what can be classified as a big production all from the inspiration of one pair of leather pants – a pair of pants that created unity, meaningful conversations, and connections that’ll last a lifetime. We’ll be looking forward to what’s coming next. “[I’m in] business overdrive mode rather than euphoria or happiness or excitement. I’m like, oh, snap, I could do this. I already have my next a million ideas laid out just waiting to be executed. And I’m already getting the ball moving with that. This is just like ammunition for me.”

You never truly realize how vital communication is until it just isn’t there. This shoot showed us its importance in more ways than one. There’s an innate need for humans to engage, or communicate, with other humans. Because our phones are the most essential way to do so, of course we’d have an attachment to them. Imagine the anxiety we felt when we couldn’t get in contact with essential collaborators both days of the shoot, knowing most people, especially Americans, have this attachment. On day one, it was the owner of the most important prop for the set, the bed. On day two, it was the high profile model whose flight was already paid for.

Both situations were handled and the show went on but we definitely learned some valuable lessons – stay calm even when you want to punch a hole in the wall. It’ll all come together, somehow.

Each of the models have a unique experience with fetishism. Some embrace it, while others challenge it. A few models admitted that they were actually into the BDSM culture – expressing that their fetishes were light bondage, role play, dirty talk, and even things more physical like getting choked. For a lot of them, it was the clothing that drew them in. I guess it’s not a surprise that a bunch of models would admit that they like fetishwear.